It’s Been To Long

When we get to busy doing things, we forget what we have to do in life. Especially, writing things out on what happens throughout the day. I definitely forgot about my blogs. I just recently that I had forgotten about my other blog I’ve had, which was on blogger.com. Oops, my fault Hehe. My last blog was July of 2015. There is so much that happened over the past year almost. I was on a year-long break from doing my online schoolwork, which was well needed. Then I ended up getting sick for 3 in half months. I had the flu, then a cold, and after that, I ended up getting bronchitis. It’s hard to talk when you have that. It’s been a long and crazy year. I’m even happy that I actually found a church I’m going to. It took me 5 years to find the right one. Meadowbrook community church is wonderful. It felt really good like; it was a weight that lifted off my shoulders. It was the place I felt wanted and God lead me the way on giving me a great church to go to. I started going in October 2015. I fell out of going to church for 17 years. Long time yes. It was because of the boyfriend, the ex-husband, and another boyfriend. I made mistakes and I got over them.The marriage I’ve had been rocky. We were only together for 2 years. In 2009, I started taking up online classes through the university of Phoenix. I studied psychology first and got my associates degree. Then I changed my career to journalism for my bachelors degree. After everything I went through, I wanted to move out of my hometown and start a new life. I accomplished that but I live close to my sister and her family. It’s good to have family around, yes. I was living in an apartment for 4 years and now I finally got into a house. It’s like peace and quiet finally. I love it here in my house and have my cat who is a big baby. She’s all I have to talk to everyday. Since 2008, I’ve been single. It’s been a challenge of being single for a long time. I do miss the companionship a lot. I do hope one day there is someone out there for me who would like, love me for me. However, today has been just slow and wanted to update for being gone for so long. I better start getting dinner ready.

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Heartaches definitely Hurts

I know I make mistakes by getting my emotions taking the best of me. There are just times where I can’t figure it out on why it happens like this. Heartache to me is like I can’t do anything right. It’s always wrong. Is it bad to feel like this every day and night? I don’t know that answer and I wish I did. Every little think that comes out of my mouth or what I’m thinking. It makes no sense to me on why I actually try then I end up failing. No matter what, I always end up failing anyways. I know it’s not healthy to live like this. What else is a girl suppose to do? Just sit around the house all day and sulk? I know I do that because I do everything that needs to be done in this house. I do some hobbies but it is never just one hobby because I can’t stick with it.

I wish I could just understand what someone really wants in life. Does everyone have to get hurt in the process of just learning? Some people tell me I have no idea what heartache does. Guess what, I do to. I’ve been through it after my mom passed away. All that grief went into bad relationships, and my marriage at the time. I’m a good person. A real good person. I do things for the other person even when I am not with them. I send out birthday cards, valentine cards, or a gift every now and then and etc. It doesn’t mean that I really want to be with you. It means that I actually care for you. In all that time when I do that for a friend or the one I’m with. I never get nothing back in return. It does hurt. I never had gotten flowers, chocolates, a teddy bear, earrings or any other kind of jewelry. It’s pretty sad that when my ex fiancé had bought my mom’s ring from my own father for $80 bucks because he couldn’t afford one at the store.

I’m saying this because it hurts me like I am nothing or I am not here around them all the time. It hurts because they don’t actually really care for me that I would like for them to. In my eyes, I see nothing but regret. I always end up feeling like a fool. I usually don’t get a break from it either. I wish I had second chances but I never get them. I feel like that I’m not important to no one. I do know every one of us isn’t perfect. The 1st chance is try, 2nd chances try again, and 3 is a charm. Everyone knows that but to me it means something. If it is worth keeping, then keep it. If it is not, then let that person know so the other can move on.

Anyhoo, when I feel my heartaches, they are really real. It makes me break down and cry until I either fall to the floor and scream or fall asleep. It’s not easy getting this heart broken. It’s been broken for over 26 years and counting. I only wish my heart could mend right. I want it to be healed. I think I know what I have to do to make it better.

Maybe, I’m over thinking to much. But, maybe it is meant for me to be single until I’m ready to date or not. In the end, I just wish someone could hold my hand and be there for me.

I’m an Idiot in every way!!!

I don’t know what is wrong with me. I wish I could figure things out and get it out of my head. In my world, it never will. I make a mockery of myself by acting like an idiot on my decisions. I know I do wrong things and realize it later for what I have done. The only thing is with certain people who I care for the most. There is one I really do care about and hoping they could give me a second chance like I did with them. Is there a chance it could? Possibly. But I don’t know.

I do hope this reaches out to anyone who comes across this or I give them my link to read. It’s important to me on what or how I reacted on stupidity. I know I’m not perfect but what I do is at least try. I try my best to be patient, honest, caring, trusting, and etc. I pretty much take things out of proportion and go crazy. I react on my feelings and why it hurts on getting hurt. Is it me? Or is it them? I know there is not many answers to those questions. In this strange mind of mine, I think there is. There is many things going in my mind already. I can’t seem to put it in the right word format and it would not make sense Ha!

Pretty much, I’m just an idiot. I call myself this all the time but I know I shouldn’t. I’m just me. Overall, in my idiot ways, I do things are just darn right stupid. There is times where I need someone to talk to. I just want to understand better. I know we can’t make it to our phones, messages on Facebook, or etc. Even emails sometimes. I know you peeps out there have your life and I have mine. Sometimes, it is nice to hear a caring voice to give advice and sometimes say “I miss you.” The only thing I do wish is for “Will you accept my Apologies?” One more wish is “Give me another chance, please?” I say these because I know I was wrong and I’m a idiot for bothering anyone. I sincerely promise it will never happen again. I say this in the dearest of my heart.

Here is what happened during the past week from January 21st, 2015 to July 1st, 2015.

Anyhoo, for the past week I know what I did was wrong. When something happens during my week, especially for what happened on Sunday January 21st, 2015. First thing I did was wished a Happy Birthday to one of my friends, it was Father’s day, and the day of my sister’s birthday party as well.

I’ll explain. When I got to my sister’s house everything was going great. The kids and I were putting decorations up around her house. Then I get a phone call from my parents to see if they can come a bit early. Of course they did. My sister’s dog Poppy was wound up from excitement on seeing everyone. We all tell her to settle down, which is common. I ended up getting a hug from my stepmom. Then I didn’t quite yell but in a good calm voice. I told Poppy to settle down. The nerve of stepmother saying “You can’t just yell at Poppy to settle down when people are coming in.” That wasn’t nice for her to yell at me for nothing. This was one issue I ended up getting upset. I just don’t get it on why my stepmom likes to get on to me about it. So, with not making a scene, I just walked away. It was a stupid matter I shouldn’t been upset about. The thing is, I don’t like it when she gets on me like that.

Another issue was when my sister said something that really got me upset and mad at her. I haven’t talked to her the past week. It pretty much hurt. Just about everyone in my family with a few of my sister’s husband’s mom, we chatted about my cousin Angela Glen. Angela was with her long time boyfriend forever, and finally to tie the knot. I think it’s been about 2 or 3 years, somewhere in there. In my intermediate family, My dad and his 3 kids, My Uncle #1 and his 2 kids, and My Uncle #2 and his 3 kids. My dad is the oldest, Uncle #1 is the middle child, and Uncle #2 is the baby. I think you get the vision of how it goes. Anyhoo, my cousin Angela is the baby of my Uncle #2  family. My sister and everyone else was trying to guess how old she was because somehow there was a conversation going about her. Apparently, my sister says “Basically, everyone in our family is married. Except for Becky, (which is me, was married but I’m not. Single 7 years is long enough). When I heard that come out of her mouth, I was peeved. I’m thinking in my head “Did you really have to say that Mandy? Thank you for making me feel so low.” Of course, I did not say nothing. I swear. I sat there and bit my tongue on not walking out of the house to leave. I just sit there and stayed quiet. The nerve of her saying that. I already feel lonely enough. Did she have to do that? I don’t think she meant to say it but she did. Other than that, I have not talked to her for the past week. It’s hard enough on me when I have no one to come home to, to talk. I don’t like being quiet all the time but it does help out.

However, even though I’ve been a pain in the butt in the past week of January until now. My sincere apologies. I’m really sorry for making myself a mockery of an idiot. That is my fault. I understand I shouldn’t have done it. I feel stupid enough. I do promise to give people time to think and stuff. I certainly hope I can get another chance. I do really care about people who walked in my life and I’m grateful for that. Thank you for being  you!!

In conclusion of this blog on July 1st, 2015, I said enough for the night. Plus, my fingers are killing me for typing so much LOL!!! I’m a dork, a goof, an idiot at times, and etc. Just don’t forget I love each of my family and friends I have in my life.

Great Big HUGS!!!!! Tight HUGS!!! The Bear HUGS of all!!!

Be Happy First

I understand what this world is coming to but dammit. I’m just fed up with it. I hear all about the media stuff out there, negative people, and even the haters who hate on everything. It’s like why do you care? Why are you complaining about it? Or just say “Life is not fair.” You know what life is fair because we live that life the way we are now. Do you really think your life is nothing at all? I’m guessing you don’t know. Well, here is what I am going to say about it.

Quit complaining about it, and just enjoy yourself. Get out there in the world. Go do stuff besides sitting on your butt doing nothing. You know what, Life is too precious. We as in “us” yes “us.” We were put on this earth for us for a reason. God has a plan for everyone. He didn’t want us to falter. He wants us to live, and keep us safe for a long time before he thinks he is ready to come home to him. Other than that, nothing that you have or want isn’t going to make you happy. You have to love yourself first to be happy. If you think you don’t have that, oh well. It’s your loss.

I know everyone has their opinion about what they want to do or say. I betcha guarantee not even one single person in this whole world won’t do nothing. The only thing, which will be said is “I don’t care.” Well here is something for you, you better start caring because you don’t know who actually does care. Even if you are with your spouse or loved ones, they feel the same way. It stinks doesn’t it? There is something that everyone thinks “oh our life is just perfect” or “we’re peachy king.” Get your head out of your #&*. It is not, no one isn’t perfect. I mean “NO ONE!!!”

Nevertheless, I know my life isn’t perfect, and I’m in a state of depression. Yes, I’ll admit to. I live my life the way I do now because it is my path for going on a right path for my life. My life is a closed or open book. I have my problems, like everyone else. I know I’m not all that perfect either but I am good a person. I’ve done wrong things in my life but I learn from them. For what I have learned, I don’t think about the past or dwell on it. I talk it out. If I’m ready to talk it out, I will with no problem. You have think about it first, let me live my life, and keep your noses out of it. You can’t control me on how I want to live it. I’m getting myself out there, trying to. I need to feel better for myself, love myself, and have a happy healthy life. In my heart, I care to much. Way to much, but at least I know where I should put a end to on giving myself up that easy. I won’t go that route again. I’m done. You can like me, love me, or hate me. Think again before making me upset. You can take this seriously, or not. That is totally up to you to choose. I’m not stopping you either. I’m too good of a person to say this but I did it anyway.

However, I know there is bad people out there who are completely harsh, rude, psycho, and etc. I’m saying if you really care for someone, or your with someone. Give them some space, and leave them alone. I really don’t think anyone wants someone stalking them any, right? For everything that this world is coming to, we have to watch our backs. There are some creepy crazies out there.

I want you to think about this one thing. I’ll say it again to here in caps because you will regret it if you don’t remember it either. There is one more saying to know as well. I will keep it perfectly clear.

1. “YOU HAVE TO LOVE YOURSELF FIRST TO BE HAPPY.”

2. “LIFE IS TOO PRECIOUS TO LOSE.”

Always remember this. Always

Peace, Love, and God Bless.

Broken Hearted Girl

I never thought I would feel this way from a broken heart because no one knows what it feels like. I feel it everyday of my life. I cry when I’m down. I cry before I go to bed. I just cry and cry. It hurts to much. I don’t know how to let it go or let it out. It just hurts too much. Sometimes I just wish I can go hit something really hard, and not feel it. I have been so angry for a long time. I wish I had someone to talk to but I don’t. I’ve been single for 6 years. I get jealous all the time by seeing people with their loved ones, or holding each others hand. It pisses me off because I don’t have that. I get so jealous that all my friends and family have kids. I don’t even have one. I’m afraid if I was with someone I wouldn’t be able to have kids. It’s not fair to not have one. I know there is other options out there but I want to know what it feels like to have a baby. All I wish for is to be a mom, and I won’t get to be one.

It hurts so much. I’m literary crush. I’m really heart broken, and I don’t feel like it is ever going to heal. I’m so afraid to love someone else but if I do. I will lose the one of who I love as well. I can’t into that. It’s a long story. I just wish I knew what to do but I don’t.

I wish it could get better. This Broken Hearted Girl wishes she can heal her heart.

How Life Turns Around

Sometimes I wonder how life can turn around after having so much anger, stress, and conflicts. How do we handle it though? Do you think it will just go away? Or will it just keep getting worse?

These are questions that can’t be answered at times. It will only make you think even harder.

If I knew these questions, I would tell you them myself. But I can’t. I know my life is hard, and there is some things I struggle with. Before I just wanted to keep a hold of something knowing that I can’t have. I started to try to open up with some friends I know. It is hard to open up with your family members. I pretty much kept to myself but there is so many things that bother me the most. Once it bothers me, I learn to let it go. I know I’m a great person who has a good heart. But this heart of mine now, is heartbroken severely. I know it will take a long time to mend it completely. I know I am important to God. I want to have God back in my life. I need him so much, and keep me to survive. I don’t go to church on a regular basis. I will go on and off. But I can’t find a church that is right for me to grow closer with God. I know I need to. God knows I need to. It is also where does God want to put me where I belong.

I know I have a future ahead of me, and I’m still trying to figure that out. What I do know is that, I will have my up and downs. Everything else that I go through is that God has them, and it lifts it off. I do have a life that is very heavy, and I want to feel lighter, and lighter. That takes time to mend all of the anger, the stress, and complications. I know I  have very low self-esteem. I don’t want to have that no more. So it is time for me to make some new changes for the rest of the year. God knows what I need. I know what I need. What I am going to do first is, to love myself, and be happy. This will take baby steps, and once this takes off everyday. I will keep growing stronger each day, and feel better and better.

In other words, Life can change around for anyone. There is one thing you should remember. Never change for anyone. Be the person you already are. I believe any of you can make your life turn around.

Peace, Love, and GOD Bless!!!

The World of Judgmental People

One thing I have always known was how we have our right to know our Freedom of Speech.

Freedom of  Speech is valued by most people as a God given right that is so  important, it must be guaranteed by the government. Americans after the  Revolutionary War decided they did not want the government restricting their  speech. In general, at the time of the writing of the Constitution, the concern  about protecting free speech was in  regard to protecting political speech.

They wanted to be able to express their opinions about  political candidates and laws they might pass. If the government was allowed to  censor viewpoints it didn’t like, the people would end up with a government that  favored certain people who had political power and oppressed everyone else who  did not agree.

Read more: http://www.revolutionary-war-and-beyond.com/freedom-of-speech-clause.html#ixzz2iEbI3sae

People these days are just plain mean, rude, and very judgmental. No matter what someone says or does with his or her life doesn’t mean you can go crap all over them for no reason. I understand when people are successful they feel resentment. Let’s say if someone is happy with their life, and the other person isn’t. Wouldn’t this make this person jealous? Why is it that one wants to crap all over their happiness just because they aren’t happy? Wouldn’t you want to tell them to grow up? Or Would you just say to move on?

These people need to realize that words can hurt a lot. Plus, people just don’t care period. I think people should just back off, and keep their comments to themselves. We never know what might come out right or wrong. Sometimes, I think about on why these things can just drag someone down. Wouldn’t you feel bad for that person?

In other words, judging other people isn’t worth the time or fight. Even though we stand up for that person, we still care. One of those people that cares, is Me! I am on who I am. I cherish everything that I do. I love my family with all my heart, and soul. I set myself goals on achieving, and one of them is getting my Bachelor’s degree in Journalism, which I will be receiving in March of 2015.  I can’t wait for that day to come.